


Yes, We Have No Bananas

by KB9VCN



Category: El Hazard: The Wanderers
Genre: Bananas, Gen, Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-10-31
Updated: 2004-10-31
Packaged: 2018-09-06 16:19:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8760256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: Written October 2004; humor; about 1900 words.
It's a generic routine, but there's no better character than TV-Ifurita to play it out.
This contains off-screen nudity and adult humor.  Reader discretion is advised.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written October 2004; humor; about 1900 words.
> 
> It's a generic routine, but there's no better character than TV-Ifurita to play it out.
> 
> This contains off-screen nudity and adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Ifurita flew unsteadily through the Bugrom hive, carrying heavy bags of groceries in her arms, with her key-staff in her mouth. "MI'M MOME!!" she called out, as she flew up to Jinnai and Deva.

"It's about time," Jinnai said. As soon as Ifurita set the bags down, he began to rummage through them. "Did you get everything on your shopping list?" he asked.

Ifurita took her key-staff out of her mouth. "Yes," she said. "I mean... no. I think. I forgot."

After looking through all the bags, Jinnai scowled at Ifurita. "Where are the bananas?" he asked.

Ifurita smiled cheerfully and gently rapped her knuckles against her forehead. "Yeah, that's right! I forgot about the bananas! Tee hee!"

"How could you forget the bananas?" Jinnai said. "They were at the top of the shopping list that Deva and I gave you."

"I know that, Master," said Ifurita. "I didn't actually forget the bananas. But I had forgotten that I hadn't forgotten them."

"Ngh... was the market out of bananas?"

"No."

"Were the bananas too green, or too brown?"

"No."

"Were they too expensive? Did you run out of money?"

"No."

"Oh. OK. Whatever." Jinnai set out a loaf of bread and a block of cheese, in order to make himself a sandwich. A long heavy silence fell over the empty Bugrom throne room.

Deva rubbed her chin with one hand, and then tapped a finger against her pursed lips. Unfortunately, her curiosity finally got the better of her. "Ifurita? If all that is so, then why—"

"NO!!" Jinnai dropped his ingredients, and bolted towards Deva. "FOR THE SWEET LOVE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD AND PURE, DON'T ASK HER!!"

He was too late. "Why didn't you get the bananas?" Deva asked.

Ifurita giggled. "Well, actually, there's a funny story behind that, Ma'am..."

Jinnai slumped, and he held his head in his hands and whimpered. "Sweet mother of pearl! Deva, do you realize what you've done?"

"It's like this," Ifurita said. "I was flying to the market... And then, about half-way there, at the volcano-ey place? I saw Miss Fire Lady below me—"

Jinnai brightened. "So, you took time out from your errands to swoop down on her, and you finally destroyed that violent harpy? Excellent!!"

"Of COURSE not, Master," said Ifurita, a bit petulantly.

Jinnai hung his head and shook it sadly. "No, of course not." He returned to the groceries, and then bit into his sandwich.

"It didn't seem right to fight her," said Ifurita, "what with her being naked, and all."

Jinnai choked, spraying bread crumbs. "Nuh— naked!?" he gasped.

"Yes," Ifurita said sadly. "She must have lost her clothes while she was gambling again. So I flew up to her, and I said, 'Miss Fire Lady?' I said, "You must have lost your clothes while you were gambling again!' And she got real mad at me, and she said, 'Tell me somethin' I DON'T know!'

"So I began to recite the lineage of the Ancient Duchy of Baron, 'cause I figured she probably wouldn't know that. But then, for some reason, she tried to run away from me."

"I couldn't imagine why," Jinnai said dryly. "Maybe she isn't as stupid as she seems." He took another bite of his sandwich.

"So I chased after her, and I said, 'You can borrow my jacket, if you want! Or I could carry you back to your shrine!' But no, she just kept running. Only, the ground is real rough around there, and she was barefoot, along with bare-everything-else. She tripped over a stone in the path, and fell—"

"She fell into a lava flow, to die a horrific yet ironic fiery death?" Jinnai asked hopefully.

"No, no," Ifurita said. "Don't worry, Master. She didn't get hurt at all."

"Oh," Jinnai said, sadly again, through a mouthful of sandwich.

"No, she just fell into this deep wide pit of warm volcanic mud. There she was, completely naked and covered in mud, and thrashing around like a wild animal. You should have seen it, Master—"

Jinnai didn't answer her. He was busy choking on his sandwich again, but more violently, this time. Deva sprang up from her throne, to slap her advisor on the back a few times.

"It looked like fun, actually," Ifurita said. "But I had to do my shopping, so I excused myself and flew away. I guess she's managed to climb out of the pit by now. And she won't have to walk home naked now. She can wear all that mud home.

"Anyway... after that, I flew the rest of the way to Floristica. The market is on the far side of the palace from here, so I flew through the palace grounds. It was so much FUN! Everybody dropped what they were doing, when I flew past, to point at me and scream my name, pretending that they were all scared of me.

"And then— you'll never guess who I ran into, Master!"

"Makoto Mizuhara," Jinnai said dully.

Ifurita's face fell. "Oh! How did you know?"

"You couldn't properly torture me with one of your pointless stories without throwing in my greatest rival," Jinnai said. "And I'm assuming that you completely failed to kill Mizuhara too?"

"Mmm," Ifurita said. "He did seem glad to see me, although he kept pulling me down behind a conveniently placed bush, and he kept asking me to keep my voice down. I could hardly hear him.

"He told me that the Princess Rune Venus was taking a bath, in a springs on the other side of the bushes, and that he had found a place where he could hide and—"

"Oh dear," said Deva. "You Wanderers from Earth ARE all sad little perverts, aren't you?"

Jinnai sighed. "It isn't easy to concentrate, with so many naked women all over the place... So, Ifurita, tell us how you completely failed to kill Mizuhara in a way that has nothing to do with bananas."

"Well," Ifurita said, "it was obvious that he wanted to see her. He was just being shy, I guess. So I grabbed him, and I carried him over the bushes, and I took him into the baths, and dropped him right next to the Princess. She screamed SO loudly when she saw him. She must have been really happy to see him, too.

"And then, a whole bunch of soldiers came running out. I guess EVERYONE wanted to see the Princess. But I was running a bit late by then, so I left."

Jinnai allowed himself some small satisfaction. "With any luck, they at least slapped Mizuhara around a little, after that."

Ifurita continued her story. "But then, just before I left the palace gardens, I had to stop for a minute, when I saw the most wonderful thing!!"

Jinnai groaned. "Oy... I don't know THIS one... although, I suspect that it also has absolutely nothing to do with bananas."

Ifurita's eyes went all happy and shiny. She clasped her hands under her chin, and she giggled with delight. "I saw some baby ducks!"

Jinnai pulled a face. "Baby... ducks..."

"Yeah!" Ifurita was nearly squee-ing. "They were all walking in a little row, following their duck mommy, and they were making little quacking noises! Oh, they were so CYUUUUUTE!!"

Deva smiled. "They ARE cute, aren't they? I remember when my mother took me to the petting zoo, not long after *I* hatched, and I saw them for the first time. They even let me hold one for a minute or two. It was so warm and fluffy, and its little heart beat so fast..."

Jinnai scowled at his queen. "Deva? Not helpful. Ifurita, did you finally get to the market, after that?"

"Well, yes," Ifurita said. "But, while I was looking for the bananas, I ran into your sister."

"Oh, GOD!" Jinnai wailed.

"We didn't talk long, but she said to say hello. She also said a lot of other stuff, but I didn't think it was very nice. In fact, I'd never even heard some of the words that she used."

"I'll have to try to steal all her vegetables again, one of these days," Jinnai muttered. "Did you find the bananas after THAT?"

"I looked all around the market for a few minutes," Ifurita said, "but I couldn't find them. And then, I passed this man who was just standing in the market, and holding a banana in his ear."

Jinnai nervously tugged at his collar. "A banana in his EAR?"

"Yeah. So I walked up to him, and I asked him where he got his banana. And he asked me if I was going to hold a banana in my ear. And I said, no, I'm buying groceries for my Master. Well, he introduced himself, and said that everyone called him Crazy. And he said that I was the first person who had even talked to him at all in weeks. Y'know, I don't know why people have to call each other mean names like that. I thought he was nice."

"Why did he have a banana in his ear?" Jinnai asked, as he chewed on his fingernails. He had already finished his sandwich.

"I was wondering about that, myself. But before I could ask, he told me that it was very important for everyone to put a banana in their ear, and he begged me not to buy any bananas, so that everyone else could put them in their ears, as soon as he told all them why it was so important to put a banana in their ear.

"So I said, OK, I guess Master won't be too angry if I leave one thing out of the shopping. And then, he smiled and ruffled my hair, and he said that I was a good girl. He was SO nice."

"So THAT is why you didn't get the bananas," Deva noted.

Ifurita nodded. "Yep!"

"Ih... Ifurita?" gasped Jinnai. "You still haven't answered the question. Why, in the name of all that is holy, did he ask you not to buy bananas, so that everyone could put a banana in their ear? And WHY did he have a banana in HIS ear!?"

"I was wondering about that, myself," Ifurita said again. "So I asked him. 'Um, sir?' I asked him. 'Why do you have a banana in your ear?' And then! THEN!! You simply won't believe what he told me!"

"I'm sure... I won't..." Jinnai said weakly. "What did he tell you?"

Ifurita's eyes widened, and she lowered her voice. She answered Jinnai slowly and solemnly. "He told me that he had a banana in his ear... to keep the elephants away."

Yet another uncomfortable long heavy silence fell over the room. But, from the violent twitching that racked Jinnai's body, he was obviously about to explode.

Jinnai exploded. "IH— IH— IFURITA!! THERE ARE NO ELEPHANTS IN FLORISTICA!! THERE ARE NO ELEPHANTS IN ROSHTARIA!! THERE MAY BE NO ELEPHANTS IN ALL OF EL-HAZARD!!"

Ifurita grinned. "See? It works."

"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" said Jinnai. He ran out of the Bugrom throne room, to the far end of the royal hall. And then, he ran THROUGH the far wall, leaving a Jinnai-shaped hole in the wall behind him. His pathetic screams echoed in the empty hall.

Deva and Ifurita silently watched the Messenger From God run away screaming, having completely losing his mind once again.

Deva sighed, and then sadly shook her head and tut-tut'ed. "Poor Mr. Jinnai. I wish he wouldn't push himself so hard. He really should try to relax."

Ifurita pouted. "And I didn't even get to tell him about the watermelons."


End file.
